Are You Living Vicariously Through Your Child?
written by: the Write Your Life team | 23 November 2018
Like most parents, I have had moments when I have questioned if I am living vicariously through my children. Then I go on to wonder if it turns out that I am, is this such a bad thing? Surely I am just a well-intentioned parent trying to give their child the best opportunities. With some investigation, I discovered that living vicariously through your child is not a bad thing at all… if you are the parent. Unfortunately, the news is not so good for the child.
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A study headed by Eddie Brummelman, PhD, of Utrecht University, Netherlands in 2013 found that for a parent who has unfulfilled ambitions, they may transfer this to their child and resolve this through their child’s success. Particularly if the parent views the child as an extension of themselves, the child’s success can allow the parent to replace their own disappointment and regret with feelings of pride and fulfilment. The study goes on to suggest however, that the child of such a parent may struggle to form their own identity. Psychologist Joseph Buro takes it further with his opinion that this type of parenting can make children feel unworthy and that they need to meet performance expectations to receive love and acceptance.
As parents we naturally want our children to live their best lives and take every opportunity to thrive. Living vicariously through your child takes this to its very extreme, and most of us will never take it that far. But it is a valuable exercise to check yourself from time to time – compare your expectations with your child’s own ambitions, have open communication with them, and of course remember that your biggest ambition for your child should simply be their happiness.
References:
Brummelman E, Thomaes S, Slagt M, Overbeek G, de Castro BO, Bushman BJ (2013) My Child Redeems My Broken Dreams: On Parents Transferring Their Unfulfilled Ambitions onto Their Child. PLoS ONE 8(6): e65360. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0065360
Burgo, J. (2016) The Narcissist You Know. Touchstone, New York
